Strengthen Your Marriage With the Science of Laughter | Blog by Kal Otis

We've all heard the phrase "laughter is the best medicine," but did you know that it can also be the key to a successful marriage? Many studies have shown that couples who share a sense of humor and laughter in their relationship have stronger bonds and happier marriages. In fact, science even supports that laughter has positive effects on our bodies and minds - from releasing feel-good neurotransmitters to reducing stress hormones. So, if you want to strengthen your relationship and enjoy a happy, long-lasting marriage, it's time to start taking laughter seriously.

The Science of Laughter

From the moment we are born, our brain is hardwired to form deep attachments with others. This drive for attachment is so strong that it becomes the most important thing in our lives. When we form deep connections with others, we experience an overwhelming sense of joy and fulfillment. Conversely, when those attachments are not formed or are broken, we can feel extreme pain and despair.

As infants, we form these attachments because we are completely dependent on others for our survival. Although we may not remember these early experiences, they are crucial in building the neural circuitry that shapes our relationships throughout our lifetime. Surprisingly, by the time we reach 12-18 months old, these experiences have already encoded the neural circuitry in our brains. These patterns become the ‘rules’, schemas, and templates for how we relate to others for the rest of our lives.

It is important to recognize the profound impact that our earliest relational experiences have on us. These experiences shape the very foundation of our relationships and can influence how we interact with others for our entire lives. By understanding this, we can work to build positive, healthy attachments with others and work to heal any past wounds that may be impacting our current relationships.

The Power of Positive Emotions

Emotions are an incredibly powerful force in our lives, and they are, in fact, a form of energy. Science shows that when it comes to forming attachments, the human brain has two primary ways of bonding: through joy or through fear. Our emotions exist on a continuum, with love at one end and fear at the other. And interestingly, the emotions closest to love include joy, appreciation, happiness, contentment, and satisfaction, while the ones closest to fear are hatred, insecurity, jealousy, and greed.

But what's even more fascinating is that science has found that love and fear have vastly different vibrational frequencies, and these frequencies can be measured. Love vibrates at an incredibly fast rate, whereas fear-based emotions, such as jealousy, possessiveness, hatred, and greed, vibrate very slowly. So, when we love completely and unconditionally, there is simply no room for fear. The vibrations of love are so powerful that they fill us with joy and positivity at all times.

This means that the more we focus on love and positivity, the more our brain will naturally form healthy and strong attachments. By cultivating feelings of joy, contentment, and satisfaction, we can wire our brains to seek out positive experiences and relationships. On the other hand, when we allow fear and negativity to take hold, we risk forming unhealthy and potentially damaging attachments based on insecurity and jealousy. So, if you want to build a strong and meaningful relationship, sharing laughter and joy is the key to strengthening your emotional bond because it creates a more positive environment for your relationship to thrive.

The Benefits of Humor in Marriage

When we laugh, our brains release dopamine and serotonin, two essential neurotransmitters that regulate our 'feel-good' emotions. These chemicals make us feel happy, relaxed, and more open to bonding with others. Moreover, laughter has been shown to reduce cortisol, the stress hormone that can wreak havoc on our bodies and minds. So, by laughing together, couples can not only boost their mood but also reduce tension, defensiveness and conflict in their relationship. Moreover, couples who share a sense of humor tend to have more fun together, enjoy a greater sense of closeness, and are better equipped to handle stress and challenges in their relationship.

Tips for Adding More Laughter to Your Marriage

If you want to incorporate more laughter and humor into your marriage, here are some tips to get started:

1. Walk in each other’s shoes: Seek to understand, and develop compassion as well as empathy for your spouse.

2. Share jokes or funny stories: Take the time to share jokes or funny stories with each other. It can be a simple way to lighten the mood and create moments of joy in your marriage.

3. Create inside jokes: Develop your own inside jokes that are unique to your relationship. These inside jokes can be a source of shared laughter and connection between you and your partner.

4. Plan regular date nights: Make it a priority to plan regular date nights that are centered around fun and laughter. Go to a funny movie, play board games, or engage in other activities that you both enjoy and that make you laugh.

5. Embrace silliness and playfulness: Allow yourselves to be silly and playful with each other. Playful banter, tickling, or engaging in playful pranks can add an element of fun and laughter to your marriage.

6. Incorporate humor into your communication: Use humor in your everyday communication with your partner. Share funny anecdotes or use light-hearted humor to diffuse tense situations.

7. Practice gratitude and appreciation: Expressing gratitude and appreciation towards each other can create a positive atmosphere in your marriage, leading to more laughter and joy.

8. Surround yourselves with positive and humorous people: Spend time with friends or family members who have a good sense of humor and enjoy laughter. Being around positive and humorous people can help create a fun and joyful environment in your marriage.

9. Learn to laugh at yourselves: Don't be afraid to laugh at your own mistakes or flaws. Embrace self-deprecating humor and learn to find humor in your own imperfections, which can bring you closer together as a couple.

   Laughter truly is the best medicine for a happy and successful marriage. By understanding the science of laughter and its positive effects on our mood and relationships, couples can use humor as a powerful tool to strengthen their emotional bond and create a more positive atmosphere in their relationship. So, make laughter a priority in your marriage and enjoy all the benefits that come with sharing a good laugh with your partner.

Understanding Your Spouse’s Learning Style for Better Communication

We all learn differently. The way we receive information is based on our mental processing; it affects how we present information to others, too. In marriage, misunderstandings often arise due to differences in learning styles and the lack of effort to understand one another. Over the years, I have spent time exploring learning styles and ways to customize communication in marriage. Let’s take a look at the idea of understanding your spouse’s learning style for better communication in relationships. 

What is a Learning Style? 

A learning style is defined as “the way in which each person absorbs, processes comprehends, and retains information." Everyone has their own unique style of learning; it can be visual (seeing), auditory (hearing), reading/writing (text-based) or kinesthetic (touch). It's important to note that everyone has their own unique blend of these four types of learning styles. To get a better handle on your spouse’s unique blend of learning styles, ask yourself these questions: what are their strengths? What do they respond to best? What makes them feel comfortable when receiving new information? These questions can help you gain insight into how your spouse learns best. 

The Benefits of Understanding Your Spouse’s Learning Style

When you take the time to understand your spouse's individual approach to learning, you will be better able to communicate with them more effectively. This could mean speaking slower if they are an auditory learner or including visuals if they are a visual learner. The more you understand their personal preferences, the more likely you are able to get through difficult conversations without misunderstanding each other or feeling unheard by one another. Additionally, understanding your spouse’s unique blend of learning styles can also help strengthen your relationship by showing them that you care enough about them and value them enough to take the time to understand and adjust accordingly. 

At the end of the day, there is no single solution for effective communication in marriage–especially when it comes down to our differences in mental processing–but taking the time to understand our spouses’ personalities and preferences can make communicating with one another easier and more meaningful over time. When we make an effort towards understanding our spouses' individual approach to receiving and processing information, we break down barriers that keep us from truly connecting with one another on an emotional level. Understanding each other's unique blend of learning styles can go a long way in helping us strengthen our relationships with one another!

Marriage and Learning style stories.

Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

Marriage and Learning Styles

The day before filing for divorce a desperate couple, urged by a pastor decided to attend one of my learning style classes. They’d walked out of the class hopeful though skeptical. Armed with learning style tools, they committed to approaching their relationship differently and now, six years later their marriage is thriving. Marriages fail for a host of reasons but this one was struggling because of poor communication. Marriage experts agree that ‘good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage’. Our learning style strongly influences how we convey and receive love, respect, support, forgiveness and care in a relationship. Since we all communicate, listen, interact and behave in unique ways, differences in styles can cause tension and conflict.

Like most couples, my husband and I have fallen prey to communication problems triggered by differences in learning styles.

When we first got married, I would say, “What time will you be home?” He would hear, “You better be home on time.” I was trying to show support and interest and he felt controlled.

He would say, “What did you do today?” I would hear, “You’re a terrible housewife, nothing got done today.”

A simple conversation or question has the potential to escalate into a full-blown conflict. I’ve experienced it and so have countless other couples who I’ve counseled. As couples, when we subscribe to ‘intentional communication’ techniques we can develop healthy communication habits. This involves leaning into each other’s learning styles while applying James 1:19 (You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.)  It’s important to talk about your style preference with each other to promote understanding, respect and tolerance.

Here are a few ways differences in style impacts marriages:

Directions and Stressful Situations: Asking for directions and stressful situations have the ‘unknown’ in common. How would you find your way around a new location? Would you use a map (visual), ask someone for directions (auditory) or just walking until you figured out where you were (kinesthetic)? I need my husband to talk (auditory) me through directions and describe landmarks along the way. He (visual) is great with maps (I’m not). Differences in how we prefer to receive information has caused frustration and sometimes made one or both of us feel inadequate. Couples can have a similar outcome while dealing with stressful situations.

Complaining and Criticizing: It feels good to complain. But complaining isn’t good for the body or brain and it impacts communication as well as relationships. It changes the body chemistry and releases the stress hormone cortisol that puts a person in fight or flight mode. It also rewires the brain to make future complaining more likely. As hard as you try, you’ll revert to your learning style while complaining. While you complain do you feel the need to point your finger or hammer your fists (kinesthetic), do you need to see the facial expression and whites of someone’s eyes (visual) or rant out loud (auditory)?

If your intent is to just complain and blow off steam, those with different learning styles might misunderstand your intent and receive it as a personal attack or criticism. Monitor and modify your attitude and tone of voice. If underneath your words is criticism, disrespect, or sarcasm, your ‘audio’ spouse will ‘hear’ them, even when your words are positive. If your words are positive but your facial expression isn’t, a ‘visual’ spouse will ‘see’ while a ‘kinesthetic’ spouse will ‘feel’ disrespected and criticized.

Talking and Sharing: As an auditory learner, I ramble out loud until I have a “light bulb” moment. I’ve learned it’s best I do this in an empty room or car. Other learning styles might assume that I’ve come to a conclusion about something and take action. This has gotten me into trouble both at home and work. I’ve learned to say, “ I’m just processing and will let you know when I have a final answer.” Visual leaner’s need to see your face and might feel disrespected or disengaged by kinesthetic leaner’s who need to be in motion to process information.

Decision Making: Having healthy discussions and reaching a peaceful agreement are often a challenge for married couples. Deciding where to eat or which car to buy has the potential to take on a life of it’s own. When asked to make a decision, visual learners need to ‘visualize’ places or objects or ‘write down’ a list of pros and cons. They like reading and researching. While they’re doing that the auditory learner is ‘talking over’ all the options and to their dismay the kinesthetic learner has already jumped into action since they need to ‘try out’ options as they go. Differences in the decision-making process can be threatening and surface personal insecurities. Commit to creating a safe space where both can freely express themselves using their own style, listen patiently without interrupting and ask for clarification if needed.

I’ve personally experienced, as well as seen marriage dynamics change between spouses when they understand and practice intentional communication. To take a simple learning style test and for detailed descriptions of each, check out my first blog in this series.