Strengthen Your Marriage With the Science of Laughter | Blog by Kal Otis

We've all heard the phrase "laughter is the best medicine," but did you know that it can also be the key to a successful marriage? Many studies have shown that couples who share a sense of humor and laughter in their relationship have stronger bonds and happier marriages. In fact, science even supports that laughter has positive effects on our bodies and minds - from releasing feel-good neurotransmitters to reducing stress hormones. So, if you want to strengthen your relationship and enjoy a happy, long-lasting marriage, it's time to start taking laughter seriously.

The Science of Laughter

From the moment we are born, our brain is hardwired to form deep attachments with others. This drive for attachment is so strong that it becomes the most important thing in our lives. When we form deep connections with others, we experience an overwhelming sense of joy and fulfillment. Conversely, when those attachments are not formed or are broken, we can feel extreme pain and despair.

As infants, we form these attachments because we are completely dependent on others for our survival. Although we may not remember these early experiences, they are crucial in building the neural circuitry that shapes our relationships throughout our lifetime. Surprisingly, by the time we reach 12-18 months old, these experiences have already encoded the neural circuitry in our brains. These patterns become the ‘rules’, schemas, and templates for how we relate to others for the rest of our lives.

It is important to recognize the profound impact that our earliest relational experiences have on us. These experiences shape the very foundation of our relationships and can influence how we interact with others for our entire lives. By understanding this, we can work to build positive, healthy attachments with others and work to heal any past wounds that may be impacting our current relationships.

The Power of Positive Emotions

Emotions are an incredibly powerful force in our lives, and they are, in fact, a form of energy. Science shows that when it comes to forming attachments, the human brain has two primary ways of bonding: through joy or through fear. Our emotions exist on a continuum, with love at one end and fear at the other. And interestingly, the emotions closest to love include joy, appreciation, happiness, contentment, and satisfaction, while the ones closest to fear are hatred, insecurity, jealousy, and greed.

But what's even more fascinating is that science has found that love and fear have vastly different vibrational frequencies, and these frequencies can be measured. Love vibrates at an incredibly fast rate, whereas fear-based emotions, such as jealousy, possessiveness, hatred, and greed, vibrate very slowly. So, when we love completely and unconditionally, there is simply no room for fear. The vibrations of love are so powerful that they fill us with joy and positivity at all times.

This means that the more we focus on love and positivity, the more our brain will naturally form healthy and strong attachments. By cultivating feelings of joy, contentment, and satisfaction, we can wire our brains to seek out positive experiences and relationships. On the other hand, when we allow fear and negativity to take hold, we risk forming unhealthy and potentially damaging attachments based on insecurity and jealousy. So, if you want to build a strong and meaningful relationship, sharing laughter and joy is the key to strengthening your emotional bond because it creates a more positive environment for your relationship to thrive.

The Benefits of Humor in Marriage

When we laugh, our brains release dopamine and serotonin, two essential neurotransmitters that regulate our 'feel-good' emotions. These chemicals make us feel happy, relaxed, and more open to bonding with others. Moreover, laughter has been shown to reduce cortisol, the stress hormone that can wreak havoc on our bodies and minds. So, by laughing together, couples can not only boost their mood but also reduce tension, defensiveness and conflict in their relationship. Moreover, couples who share a sense of humor tend to have more fun together, enjoy a greater sense of closeness, and are better equipped to handle stress and challenges in their relationship.

Tips for Adding More Laughter to Your Marriage

If you want to incorporate more laughter and humor into your marriage, here are some tips to get started:

1. Walk in each other’s shoes: Seek to understand, and develop compassion as well as empathy for your spouse.

2. Share jokes or funny stories: Take the time to share jokes or funny stories with each other. It can be a simple way to lighten the mood and create moments of joy in your marriage.

3. Create inside jokes: Develop your own inside jokes that are unique to your relationship. These inside jokes can be a source of shared laughter and connection between you and your partner.

4. Plan regular date nights: Make it a priority to plan regular date nights that are centered around fun and laughter. Go to a funny movie, play board games, or engage in other activities that you both enjoy and that make you laugh.

5. Embrace silliness and playfulness: Allow yourselves to be silly and playful with each other. Playful banter, tickling, or engaging in playful pranks can add an element of fun and laughter to your marriage.

6. Incorporate humor into your communication: Use humor in your everyday communication with your partner. Share funny anecdotes or use light-hearted humor to diffuse tense situations.

7. Practice gratitude and appreciation: Expressing gratitude and appreciation towards each other can create a positive atmosphere in your marriage, leading to more laughter and joy.

8. Surround yourselves with positive and humorous people: Spend time with friends or family members who have a good sense of humor and enjoy laughter. Being around positive and humorous people can help create a fun and joyful environment in your marriage.

9. Learn to laugh at yourselves: Don't be afraid to laugh at your own mistakes or flaws. Embrace self-deprecating humor and learn to find humor in your own imperfections, which can bring you closer together as a couple.

   Laughter truly is the best medicine for a happy and successful marriage. By understanding the science of laughter and its positive effects on our mood and relationships, couples can use humor as a powerful tool to strengthen their emotional bond and create a more positive atmosphere in their relationship. So, make laughter a priority in your marriage and enjoy all the benefits that come with sharing a good laugh with your partner.

Learning Style and Communication

My passion as a pastor, leader and counselor is to equip those whom I serve to be the best they can be. One thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that an effective communicator excels at every part of life. And communication is impacted by many factors; personalities, experiences, the way we were raised, learning styles, along with other influences. My next few posts will be related to this idea of understanding communication through Learning Styles. This post will focus strictly on what learning styles are, and why they are important to effective communication. The three posts following this will drill into how to utilize the knowledge and understanding of learning styles in our marriages, our parenting, and lastly, with our volunteer teams in ministry.

There’s more to the art of communication than the use of words. It’s the exchange of information and how it connects us to people. We live life trusting and relying on the sensory cues we receive from our eyes, ears, mouth, nose and touch. Hence the tones and body language that accompany spoken words influence how communication is received. So many factors influence how we deliver and interpret communication. One of those factors is our own unique learning style. The three identified learning styles are: Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic. Understanding our own unique VAK learning style can not only help us become better communicators, but also enhance how we learn, work and relate to others. Once understood, our learning style can be used as a tool to save us time and reduce frustration. I’ve seen firsthand as a counselor how it promotes healing, understanding and purpose.

The VAK model is popular because it’s intuitive and simple to use.

What is a learning style?

Learning styles refer to a person’s preferred way to take in, process, understand and remember information. Psychologists developed this learning style model in the 1920s. The VAK learning style uses the three main sensory receivers: visual, auditory and kinesthetic (movement) to determine the dominant learning style. Everyone uses all three styles as they process and learn. However, according to the theory, a person will have a strong preference toward one or two dominant styles.

Auditory Learners: Tend to:

• Enjoy listening but can’t wait to talk. Talk to themselves a lot. Move their lips while reading as well as read out loud.
• Learn best when they hear their own voice. This is why they vocalize in the middle of a class, meeting or movie.
• Struggle with reading and writing tasks.
• Remember names, but not the face or appearance of someone they just met.
• Talk ‘a mile a minute’ and expect others to drop everything to make eye contact to listen to them.
• Sounds distract them.
• Interpret the underlying meanings of speech through listening to tone of voice, pitch, speed and other nuances. A raised voice might be an argument to them, but just ‘a discussion’ to those with a different style.
• Sometimes remember things by setting information to a tune or rhyme.
• You’ll catch them saying, “I hear what you’re saying, please describe it in more detail”.

Visual Learners: There are two kinds of visual learners.

• Visual – linguistic learners tend to:
  • Learn through written language such as reading and writing.
  • More likely to remember tasks if they write them down, even if they don’t go back to read them again.
• Visual -Spatial learners tend to:
  •  Have difficulty with written language and do better with diagrams, demonstrations, videos, maps, colorful charts and visual aids.
  • A VS tends to gaze into ‘space’ in the middle of a conversation (much to a spouse’s or a teacher’s dismay) to ‘picture’ what is being said (this can appear disrespectful to other learning styles).
  • Find it easy to visualize faces and places.
  • Recall conversations based on where it happened.
  • Easily distracted.
  • Often choose to sit in the front of the class room
  •  They will comment, “I see what you’re saying”, “it’s clear cut”, “in light of”.

Kinesthetic Learners: Tend to:

• Learn by being involved, touching and/or moving.
• Remember what was done rather then what was said or seen.
• Have to move in order to concentrate.
• Easily distracted during a visual or auditory presentation. Will take notes so they can move their hands.
• Need to know the big picture first before getting the details.
• Having the space to draw pictures, doodle, shake their leg, chew gum and fidget while you communicate helps them hear and learn more effectively.
• Use gestures when speaking and stand close when speaking or listening.
• Often they are poor spellers and will write words to determine if they "feel" right.
• Tend to drive visual learners crazy with their constant movement.
• Attack problems and express frustration physically – they’re your door slammers and fist pounders.
• This group will say, “I’ve got a feeling about what you’re saying”, “come to grips with”.

You may see yourself and others you know exhibiting all three styles. This isn’t unusual. However, we all have a strong preference for one or two. The best way to discover your learning style is to take a test. (Your highest score is your dominant style. Your second score supports your dominant style). Once you became a student of the order of your style preferences, you’ll view people and communication differently. I found I was able to understand my responses, improve my ability to learn as well as my kids’, offer more grace, save time and be more effective at leading teams.

My next bog will focus on how to improve our marriages by understanding our learning style, and our spouses style.