The 'Terrific' Two's

Toddlers are realizing that they can be their 'own' person. As a new parent, I often wondered if I would ever sleep or eat a decent meal with other adults again. Parenting during the babyhood stage can be exhausting and lonely. I feel guilty about wishing that phase away. On the other hand, others, even strangers, were quick to remind me that the terrible twos were just around the corner!  Erik Erickson calls this the 'autonomy versus shame and doubt' stage, which builds on the earlier stage of 'trust versus mistrust' as well as lays the foundation for future stages to come. Children at this age increasingly fight for independence and strive to gain more control over what they do and how they do it. This makes them very busy as well as keeps their parents on their toes. When parents spur on their need for autonomy, children grow up to feel secure and confident. On the other hand, when parents stifle their toddler's attempts, they develop a sense of inadequacy and self-doubt. 

So yes, the twos were challenging and at times nerve-wracking. For me, the twos weren’t terrible, but ‘terrific’. I was in awe and marveled at the constant surprises and rapid learning that took place for both of us during this stage.

• As she slipped into one of my high-heeled shoes and tried to walk, she reminded me that she was learning to imitate and that I had the power to influence her.

• As she covered her face (and my carpet) with red lipstick, she reminded me that coloring outside the lines is fun.  

• As she repeatedly jumped into puddles and splashed water, she was discovering that her actions cause a reaction. She was letting me know that she was wired to learn through repetition and fun.

• As she learned to say ‘mommy’ and waited for me to respond, she was letting me know that she was learning about trust and hope.

• As she demanded to feed herself and made a mess, she was conveying her need to be independent. She was building self-confidence.  

• As she experienced hurt and had meltdowns, she learned to climb into my arms to be comforted and hugged. She was teaching me that I was important to make her feel safe.

• As she insisted on setting the dinner table, I saw a glimpse of a servant’s heart that I intentionally needed to nurture.

• As she began to fold her hands, bow her head and say a few ineligible words, she reminded me that she was learning to talk to her Heavenly Father.

The constant busyness and curiosity of a 2-year old can produce unique tension during this age and some might choose to view them as ‘challenges’.  I like to see them opportunities to help toddlers become independent confident people. In the middle of all the messiness and exhaustion, it's good to remember that it's just a phase - so let's not wish these precious 52 weeks away.

How To Make The Most of Preschool Years

Like a kid in a candy store I was eagerly awaiting Friday. I was so excited I had butterflies in my stomach.  My three preschool aged grandkids were coming over and I couldn’t wait to spend time with them.
Friday finally arrived. Three energetic and loud grandkids came bouncing into our home and the next few days became a blur. To be honest, within a few short, but what seemed like long hours I wanted to take the ‘batteries’ out of them! They showed no signs of weakening while both my husband and I were wondering how we were going to get through the next few days with the level of energy the kids promised to demand of us. As a grandparent, it’s easy to forget the amount of ‘work’ preschoolers are.  That night I silently asked God to give me the energy and perspective I needed to make the most of our time together. I knew from experience that time would evaporate and someday I would miss all the things preschool years bring, not only to them but also to me!

Brain development suggests that though preschool years are ‘work’ and might appear insignificant, but what our kids need as well as what we do for them every week helps establish life-long values.

1. When they’re eager to help and can’t wait to wash the dishes, set the table, sweep the floor, dress themselves as well as use the potty, it’s a reminder that they’re designed to find significance by working.

2. While they exert independence and demand ‘me do’, it might feel like we’ve lost control, but it’s a reminder that they need us to build their confidence by affirming their efforts as well as make them feel safe when they fail.

3. When bedtime becomes a war and their excuses outweigh our patience, their very rapidly growing bodies are relying on us to ensure they get proper rest.

4. When their unfiltered words leave us stunned as well as stumped, it’s a reminder that the foundation for future vocabulary is being built now and that words are experiments that evoke reaction more than having meaning.

5. When they navigate our cell phone and I-pad faster than we do, it’s a reminder that they’re drawn to screen time and that we need to set boundaries so they have positive exposure and develop healthy habits.

6. When we see them do a lot of 'firsts' and we recognize that with every blink they’re growing up faster than we want them to, it’s a reminder that their brain is designed to create new connections and pathways faster than any other stage of life.  They need us to introduce and REPEAT new and positive experiences NOW.

7. When they’re excited to see our friends as well as other familiar faces, it’s a reminder that they need a loving community of people to give them a sense of belonging.

8. When we introduce them to their body and teach them their proper names (including their private parts) we help them create a positive view of their body.

9. When their play dough and crayon creations drastically vary from day to day, it’s a reminder that they live in the present and art is an expression of how they feel now.

10. When they insist on playing and we’re too busy to engage, they’re trying to tell us they want to feel ‘connected’.

11. They might surprise us by using adult vocabulary while still having temper-tantrums and meltdowns... it’s a reminder that they really don’t know how to regulate emotions in spite of their adult-like behavior.

12. When they get sick and throw up and we can’t stomach the smell or mess, they just want us to hold them so they feel better.

13. When they spill and break things they want us to be patient with them and know that they’re learning how to control their fine and large muscles.

14. When you catch them talking, acting and imitating everything we do, it’s a reminder that what we model has more power than what we demand them to do.

15. When they enter the world of imagination and the kitchen towel becomes a super-hero cape and our living room furniture is converted to a tall building, they’re begging us to give them space to explore without ridicule.

16. When they bombard us with a series of ‘whys’, it might be annoying but it’s a reminder that they’re eager to discover how the world works and they trust us to keep their sense of wonder alive!

17. When they're older and alone and you find them sucking their thumb as well as twisting the corner of their funky smelling blanket … it’s a reminder that they still need YOU to make them feel safe and secure.

18. When they test our limits and we respond consistently with discipline and love, we make them feel safe as well as teach them to trust authority.

19. In spite of our best efforts to trick them into something new, when they insist on watching the same video or reading the same book repeatedly, they’re trying to feel safe by experiencing a familiar story.

20. When we're sleep deprived and exhausted it's a reminder that we need to surround ourselves with a community of people that can help us through this phase because our preschoolers need a healthy version of us. 

Trust me, even though it seems impossible now, you will get through this phase - I did. From experience I can vouch that it's easy to lose sight of the powerful opportunities every day brings to shape our preschooler when we're busy parenting.  The fact is, in 260 weeks the preschool phase will end...the things they do and how we respond to them during those weeks are building blocks for a strong future foundation, even though we may not see the results now. 

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Learning Style and Communication

My passion as a pastor, leader and counselor is to equip those whom I serve to be the best they can be. One thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that an effective communicator excels at every part of life. And communication is impacted by many factors; personalities, experiences, the way we were raised, learning styles, along with other influences. My next few posts will be related to this idea of understanding communication through Learning Styles. This post will focus strictly on what learning styles are, and why they are important to effective communication. The three posts following this will drill into how to utilize the knowledge and understanding of learning styles in our marriages, our parenting, and lastly, with our volunteer teams in ministry.

There’s more to the art of communication than the use of words. It’s the exchange of information and how it connects us to people. We live life trusting and relying on the sensory cues we receive from our eyes, ears, mouth, nose and touch. Hence the tones and body language that accompany spoken words influence how communication is received. So many factors influence how we deliver and interpret communication. One of those factors is our own unique learning style. The three identified learning styles are: Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic. Understanding our own unique VAK learning style can not only help us become better communicators, but also enhance how we learn, work and relate to others. Once understood, our learning style can be used as a tool to save us time and reduce frustration. I’ve seen firsthand as a counselor how it promotes healing, understanding and purpose.

The VAK model is popular because it’s intuitive and simple to use.

What is a learning style?

Learning styles refer to a person’s preferred way to take in, process, understand and remember information. Psychologists developed this learning style model in the 1920s. The VAK learning style uses the three main sensory receivers: visual, auditory and kinesthetic (movement) to determine the dominant learning style. Everyone uses all three styles as they process and learn. However, according to the theory, a person will have a strong preference toward one or two dominant styles.

Auditory Learners: Tend to:

• Enjoy listening but can’t wait to talk. Talk to themselves a lot. Move their lips while reading as well as read out loud.
• Learn best when they hear their own voice. This is why they vocalize in the middle of a class, meeting or movie.
• Struggle with reading and writing tasks.
• Remember names, but not the face or appearance of someone they just met.
• Talk ‘a mile a minute’ and expect others to drop everything to make eye contact to listen to them.
• Sounds distract them.
• Interpret the underlying meanings of speech through listening to tone of voice, pitch, speed and other nuances. A raised voice might be an argument to them, but just ‘a discussion’ to those with a different style.
• Sometimes remember things by setting information to a tune or rhyme.
• You’ll catch them saying, “I hear what you’re saying, please describe it in more detail”.

Visual Learners: There are two kinds of visual learners.

• Visual – linguistic learners tend to:
  • Learn through written language such as reading and writing.
  • More likely to remember tasks if they write them down, even if they don’t go back to read them again.
• Visual -Spatial learners tend to:
  •  Have difficulty with written language and do better with diagrams, demonstrations, videos, maps, colorful charts and visual aids.
  • A VS tends to gaze into ‘space’ in the middle of a conversation (much to a spouse’s or a teacher’s dismay) to ‘picture’ what is being said (this can appear disrespectful to other learning styles).
  • Find it easy to visualize faces and places.
  • Recall conversations based on where it happened.
  • Easily distracted.
  • Often choose to sit in the front of the class room
  •  They will comment, “I see what you’re saying”, “it’s clear cut”, “in light of”.

Kinesthetic Learners: Tend to:

• Learn by being involved, touching and/or moving.
• Remember what was done rather then what was said or seen.
• Have to move in order to concentrate.
• Easily distracted during a visual or auditory presentation. Will take notes so they can move their hands.
• Need to know the big picture first before getting the details.
• Having the space to draw pictures, doodle, shake their leg, chew gum and fidget while you communicate helps them hear and learn more effectively.
• Use gestures when speaking and stand close when speaking or listening.
• Often they are poor spellers and will write words to determine if they "feel" right.
• Tend to drive visual learners crazy with their constant movement.
• Attack problems and express frustration physically – they’re your door slammers and fist pounders.
• This group will say, “I’ve got a feeling about what you’re saying”, “come to grips with”.

You may see yourself and others you know exhibiting all three styles. This isn’t unusual. However, we all have a strong preference for one or two. The best way to discover your learning style is to take a test. (Your highest score is your dominant style. Your second score supports your dominant style). Once you became a student of the order of your style preferences, you’ll view people and communication differently. I found I was able to understand my responses, improve my ability to learn as well as my kids’, offer more grace, save time and be more effective at leading teams.

My next bog will focus on how to improve our marriages by understanding our learning style, and our spouses style.