15 Ways to Exasperate Your Children

As adults we can become intensely irritated, angered, maddened, enraged, provoked and infuriated. In other words you find yourselves being ‘exasperated’.  As parents we’re capable of provoking the same feelings in our children. However since their brains are still developing, the long-term impact of constantly exasperating them has severe negative relational and behavioral consequences. God in His wisdom warns parents to guard themselves from exasperating their children.

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV

Before we bang this scripture verse over our children’s head and demand that they obey us, let’s not forget the fourth verse in this passage.

“4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

In this verse the spotlight turns directly to parents. This verse makes it pretty clear that God holds parents responsible for how we use our authority. We all want to be good parents - but sometimes, in wanting to do the right thing for our children - we end up doing it the wrong way because of how we approach it. And when we do the right thing the wrong way we exasperate our children. Colossians 3:21 talks about the cost of exasperating our children:

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.”

Wow! The last thing we want to see happen is for our children to lose heart. When they do, we lose one of the most important battles in our lives– the battle for our child’s heart.

It’s clear parental authority comes with responsibility and accountability. First, we must model what it is to live under God’s authority so children see the benefits of living under God’s given structure and avoiding sin. Second, we must understand that the ultimate goal of teaching our children to walk in obedience under us, is to allow them to experience first hand the goodness of walking and respecting God’s authority. The fruit is a promise - that we will live a long and blessed life.

What would it look like to exasperate your children? How can you avoid doing so?

1. Abusing your power to discipline - Biblical discipline is not punishment - it is course correction. It is modeling Christ in parenting - it is ‘training a child in the ways he should go’ according to scripture – all to protect and shape a child’s heart.  Pray before reacting.

2. High expectations without understanding your child’s natural gifts, talents, learning style and unique personality traits – slow down, read and educate yourself on what is going on in your child’s natural stage of development.

3. Disciplining them without warning them (no matter what the age) – give grace the first time you see your child do something that is harmful. Take time to explain future consequence of repeating the same action.

4. Constantly administrating harsh discipline – harsh discipline hardens the heart towards you and God. If you’re not observing any change in your child’s behavior patterns, try administrating a different discipline.

5. When the time doesn’t match the crime.

6. Playing favoritism – We are born to receive our parents’ approval and favor. Favoritism makes children develop behavior patterns that are attention seeking rather than character building.

7. Withdrawing affection, especially after disciplining your children – it’s kindness and love that provides a place for children to safely turn their back on behaviors that are harmful in their life. Make it a habit to hug your child, or playing with them when you’re done disciplining them.

8. When your yes is not a yes and your no is not a no – talk about confusing! Children thrive under consistent as well as predictable guidelines.

9. When you don’t apologize – If you want to raise a child after God’s own heart, model asking for forgiveness. It’s the key to all healthy relationships.

10. Over-protecting them – one of the goals of parenting is to teach them to gain independence as you earn their trust. Over protecting as well as micro-managing them kills their confidence and lowers their self-esteem. Let them learn the hard way - don’t bail them out of situations. 

11. Not keeping a promise – use your ‘promises’ wisely. A broken promise leaves long-term scars on a child’s heart and mind. In spite of the fact that we continue to break our heavenly Father’s heart, he has never broken His promises towards us. Children internalize broken promises as loss of love, attention and value.

12. Embarrassing them in private and in public – it’s a gateway to feelings of shame.

13. Model hypocrisy- Hypocrisy leads to disrespect and loss of credibility. Get in a habit of admitting your failure to meet expectations.

14. Not listening to them –Teach them how to respectfully share their feelings with you. Listen, be slow to react!

15. Treating them as your friends rather than your children. This is especially true in case of marital conflict. Children are not designed to parent their parents. Role reversal shortens their emotional development and leads to unhealthy future relationships.

    Raising a toddler? Read my blog about how not to exasperate your toddler.

Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

Boost Your Child’s Brain Development During the Summer

Your kids might be on summer break but their brains aren’t, they’re still growing. It’s important to anticipate and plan for the summer since the window to influence as well as boost your child’s brain development tappers off as they approach adulthood. Just like your grocery cart might have summer essentials like bug spray, sunscreen, band-aids and popsicles, think about what your kids need to stay mentally healthy and growing throughout the summer.

Here are some suggestions:

• Routine: Kids are on a tight schedule during the school year, both at home and school. Parents assume that a break from any routine would benefit their children. However a consistent routine allows children to feel safe as well as thrive. A daily rhythm can also help reduce meltdowns and discipline issues.  Create and post a summer activity calendar to help kids anticipate special times like vacations and day trips. Theme each day of the week–i.e. Sundays-church and community, Wednesdays -picnic or pool, Fridays –friends and family, etc. to help kids remember, create excitement and reduce anxiety from the unknown.
• Community: A sense of belonging can boost mental health. Schools give kids of all ages a major source of belonging, even for those that might not feel close to anyone. When summer break for the summer, many kids lose their network of community. Kids experience a void in social interaction and some might feel lonely. Give your children a safe space to express their feelings and don’t try to reason with them, just listen as they express their feelings. Kids need regular peer connections so allow your children to plan play dates with their friends. Do things as a family and plan on giving your children your full attention at that time.
• Purpose: I love acknowledging eager kids who open the door for me at the store – their faces light up when I thank them. We’re born to discover and fulfill our sense of purpose. I spend more time counseling college and high school aged kids during the summer, than usual. Not only do they experience a loss of routine and community but also a loss of purpose. This can lead to depression and feelings of anxiety. While in school extra curricular activities, clubs, sports and even homework give children a strong sense of purpose. Their developing brain needs repeated, purpose driven experiences throughout the day to keep them mentally healthy as well as establish healthy future habits.  Besides doing household chores, help older children find volunteer opportunities at your church, library, vet, day camps, etc.  Check to see if your neighbors need their dog walked or yard cut. For little ones plan tasks like organizing toys, (even if you have to un-organize them first) matching socks, setting the table, etc. When the task is completed, celebrate with them! You can also give your children a sense of ownership and purpose by asking them to help you brainstorm, plan and execute activities they want to do.

• Fun: If you want to speak your child’s love language, learn to have fun and live in the moment. Kids are born to have fun. It’s how they learn and discover their world. For most adults, ‘fun’ is work. When parents have fun with their children, you show them that you not only love them but that you ‘like’ them. When you have fun together, you build ‘relational credit’ for the future. Having fun with your preschooler might mean slowing down to participate in things that evoke their sense of wonder. They think like an ‘artist’ and love engaging in activities that activate their senses. Lay down in the grass with your child to gaze at the clouds and stars, walk in the rain, chase bubbles, draw with sidewalk chalk, cuddle, laugh and get messy together! Elementary-age kids think like a scientist and thrive when their interests are engaged. Experience different activities together to discover their interest. Go on bike rides, visit museums, start a large puzzle, sing, dance, role-play and watch movies that inspire them to win at every-day life.

  Summers present great opportunities to build life-time memories together as a family, but it can also be a season filled with busyness and arguments. Slow down to affirm and hug your children everyday. Words of affirmation have the power to give life while hugs have the power to heal, forgive and convey love, all of which are fertilizer for the brain.

Photo by Ashton Bingham on Unsplash

Environmental Preferences and Productivity

Environmental preferences influence productivity. Eleven years ago, I had some very frustrated, but now very grateful parents attend a seminar I was hosting on environmental preferences. Supervised by a nagging mom, her kids would spend the entire evening sitting at the dining table, in total silence, doing their homework. Homework was a dreadful time for this family. Mom was determined to have her kids do their homework the way she did hers as a kid. It’s natural for us to have our children approach studying (and other tasks) the same way we do. However, whether doing homework or working, we all have environmental preferences that are influenced by our inborn learning style. These preferences impact how we concentrate and remember information as well as communicate.

Where? It’s traditional to sit and work at a desk, but we all have a preferred position. You might prefer to sit on a chair, stand at a desk, or, sit or lay on the floor.  There was even someone on my team who preferred to work laying on her stomach with her head under her work desk, particularly when the task required high levels of concentration. Not the most dignified approach, but it worked! Productivity and efficiency improve almost immediately when someone has the luxury to work in the position of his or her choice. If the goal is to increase concentration, consider accommodating differences in ‘where’ homework or work can be done.  

Lighting: When I was young I recall my mom nagging me about turning all the lights on while I did my homework. If I didn’t, she would turn them on and it would really bother me. I prefer working in an environment that has natural lighting. And I will avoid turning on overhead lights as long as possible – it helps me concentrate. One of my co-workers prefers to turn all the hallway and common workspace lights on, even though she has her own office. Do you favor brightly or softly lit spaces? Do you prefer using overhead lights or floor lamps? Catering to differences in lighting preferences also reduces distraction and increases productivity.

Sound: Some need total silence while others need noise to concentrate. It’s not uncommon for me to meet parents who have a hard time imagining that their students might need background noises to concentrate. Silence to these students is deafening and distracting. The familiar sounds of television, radio, and/or electronic devices can actually reduce anxiety, increase creativity, and reduce the amount of time it takes to complete projects. Most Kinesthetic learners will lean towards needing sound while audio learners need total silence.

Temperature: This environmental preference has the most impact on my ability to concentrate and be productive. I prefer to sleep when it’s cold but struggle if I have to work in the cold. I have sweaters everywhere – at work, in all our cars, and in different rooms in the home all year.  Some kids in school or people at work adapt easily to varying temperatures, while others in the room have to be comfortable before they can concentrate.

Food and Drink Intake: It’s hard for students or employees to concentrate when they’re hungry or thirsty. But for some, it’s more than that. Traditional classrooms don’t allow food or drinks to be consumed while kids are working. This wouldn’t be an issue for those who are distracted by food or drinks while they were engaged in an activity. For some, it would help them keep their minds focused on what they were doing. Personally, I’m distracted if my desk doesn’t have a coffee cup, full or empty, on it. I don’t always finish my coffee and at times, might have multiple half-empty cups sitting on my desk because it helps me concentrate. I’ve even experienced a coworker who nibbled her way through the workday.

Time: We all have an internal clock that determines peak productivity. My son was naturally energetic in the morning while my daughter is a night owl. Homework after school was a lot easier for my daughter than for my son. One of my co-workers prefers to work late into the night and start the day later in the morning. On the days she comes in early, it takes her longer time to get focused and get into the task at hand.

The mom who attended my class decided to give my suggestions a try. It changed their household. Every time I see her, she is quick to share her gratitude. Changing your idea on how homework gets done or work is accomplished based on an individual’s environmental preferences has the potential to decease tension, increase productivity, and even make homework, housework, and work fun.

Photo by Chris Adamus on Unsplash

Marriage and Learning Styles

The day before filing for divorce a desperate couple, urged by a pastor decided to attend one of my learning style classes. They’d walked out of the class hopeful though skeptical. Armed with learning style tools, they committed to approaching their relationship differently and now, six years later their marriage is thriving. Marriages fail for a host of reasons but this one was struggling because of poor communication. Marriage experts agree that ‘good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage’. Our learning style strongly influences how we convey and receive love, respect, support, forgiveness and care in a relationship. Since we all communicate, listen, interact and behave in unique ways, differences in styles can cause tension and conflict.

Like most couples, my husband and I have fallen prey to communication problems triggered by differences in learning styles.

When we first got married, I would say, “What time will you be home?” He would hear, “You better be home on time.” I was trying to show support and interest and he felt controlled.

He would say, “What did you do today?” I would hear, “You’re a terrible housewife, nothing got done today.”

A simple conversation or question has the potential to escalate into a full-blown conflict. I’ve experienced it and so have countless other couples who I’ve counseled. As couples, when we subscribe to ‘intentional communication’ techniques we can develop healthy communication habits. This involves leaning into each other’s learning styles while applying James 1:19 (You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.)  It’s important to talk about your style preference with each other to promote understanding, respect and tolerance.

Here are a few ways differences in style impacts marriages:

Directions and Stressful Situations: Asking for directions and stressful situations have the ‘unknown’ in common. How would you find your way around a new location? Would you use a map (visual), ask someone for directions (auditory) or just walking until you figured out where you were (kinesthetic)? I need my husband to talk (auditory) me through directions and describe landmarks along the way. He (visual) is great with maps (I’m not). Differences in how we prefer to receive information has caused frustration and sometimes made one or both of us feel inadequate. Couples can have a similar outcome while dealing with stressful situations.

Complaining and Criticizing: It feels good to complain. But complaining isn’t good for the body or brain and it impacts communication as well as relationships. It changes the body chemistry and releases the stress hormone cortisol that puts a person in fight or flight mode. It also rewires the brain to make future complaining more likely. As hard as you try, you’ll revert to your learning style while complaining. While you complain do you feel the need to point your finger or hammer your fists (kinesthetic), do you need to see the facial expression and whites of someone’s eyes (visual) or rant out loud (auditory)?

If your intent is to just complain and blow off steam, those with different learning styles might misunderstand your intent and receive it as a personal attack or criticism. Monitor and modify your attitude and tone of voice. If underneath your words is criticism, disrespect, or sarcasm, your ‘audio’ spouse will ‘hear’ them, even when your words are positive. If your words are positive but your facial expression isn’t, a ‘visual’ spouse will ‘see’ while a ‘kinesthetic’ spouse will ‘feel’ disrespected and criticized.

Talking and Sharing: As an auditory learner, I ramble out loud until I have a “light bulb” moment. I’ve learned it’s best I do this in an empty room or car. Other learning styles might assume that I’ve come to a conclusion about something and take action. This has gotten me into trouble both at home and work. I’ve learned to say, “ I’m just processing and will let you know when I have a final answer.” Visual leaner’s need to see your face and might feel disrespected or disengaged by kinesthetic leaner’s who need to be in motion to process information.

Decision Making: Having healthy discussions and reaching a peaceful agreement are often a challenge for married couples. Deciding where to eat or which car to buy has the potential to take on a life of it’s own. When asked to make a decision, visual learners need to ‘visualize’ places or objects or ‘write down’ a list of pros and cons. They like reading and researching. While they’re doing that the auditory learner is ‘talking over’ all the options and to their dismay the kinesthetic learner has already jumped into action since they need to ‘try out’ options as they go. Differences in the decision-making process can be threatening and surface personal insecurities. Commit to creating a safe space where both can freely express themselves using their own style, listen patiently without interrupting and ask for clarification if needed.

I’ve personally experienced, as well as seen marriage dynamics change between spouses when they understand and practice intentional communication. To take a simple learning style test and for detailed descriptions of each, check out my first blog in this series. 

Learning Style and Communication

My passion as a pastor, leader and counselor is to equip those whom I serve to be the best they can be. One thing I’ve come to realize over the years is that an effective communicator excels at every part of life. And communication is impacted by many factors; personalities, experiences, the way we were raised, learning styles, along with other influences. My next few posts will be related to this idea of understanding communication through Learning Styles. This post will focus strictly on what learning styles are, and why they are important to effective communication. The three posts following this will drill into how to utilize the knowledge and understanding of learning styles in our marriages, our parenting, and lastly, with our volunteer teams in ministry.

There’s more to the art of communication than the use of words. It’s the exchange of information and how it connects us to people. We live life trusting and relying on the sensory cues we receive from our eyes, ears, mouth, nose and touch. Hence the tones and body language that accompany spoken words influence how communication is received. So many factors influence how we deliver and interpret communication. One of those factors is our own unique learning style. The three identified learning styles are: Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic. Understanding our own unique VAK learning style can not only help us become better communicators, but also enhance how we learn, work and relate to others. Once understood, our learning style can be used as a tool to save us time and reduce frustration. I’ve seen firsthand as a counselor how it promotes healing, understanding and purpose.

The VAK model is popular because it’s intuitive and simple to use.

What is a learning style?

Learning styles refer to a person’s preferred way to take in, process, understand and remember information. Psychologists developed this learning style model in the 1920s. The VAK learning style uses the three main sensory receivers: visual, auditory and kinesthetic (movement) to determine the dominant learning style. Everyone uses all three styles as they process and learn. However, according to the theory, a person will have a strong preference toward one or two dominant styles.

Auditory Learners: Tend to:

• Enjoy listening but can’t wait to talk. Talk to themselves a lot. Move their lips while reading as well as read out loud.
• Learn best when they hear their own voice. This is why they vocalize in the middle of a class, meeting or movie.
• Struggle with reading and writing tasks.
• Remember names, but not the face or appearance of someone they just met.
• Talk ‘a mile a minute’ and expect others to drop everything to make eye contact to listen to them.
• Sounds distract them.
• Interpret the underlying meanings of speech through listening to tone of voice, pitch, speed and other nuances. A raised voice might be an argument to them, but just ‘a discussion’ to those with a different style.
• Sometimes remember things by setting information to a tune or rhyme.
• You’ll catch them saying, “I hear what you’re saying, please describe it in more detail”.

Visual Learners: There are two kinds of visual learners.

• Visual – linguistic learners tend to:
  • Learn through written language such as reading and writing.
  • More likely to remember tasks if they write them down, even if they don’t go back to read them again.
• Visual -Spatial learners tend to:
  •  Have difficulty with written language and do better with diagrams, demonstrations, videos, maps, colorful charts and visual aids.
  • A VS tends to gaze into ‘space’ in the middle of a conversation (much to a spouse’s or a teacher’s dismay) to ‘picture’ what is being said (this can appear disrespectful to other learning styles).
  • Find it easy to visualize faces and places.
  • Recall conversations based on where it happened.
  • Easily distracted.
  • Often choose to sit in the front of the class room
  •  They will comment, “I see what you’re saying”, “it’s clear cut”, “in light of”.

Kinesthetic Learners: Tend to:

• Learn by being involved, touching and/or moving.
• Remember what was done rather then what was said or seen.
• Have to move in order to concentrate.
• Easily distracted during a visual or auditory presentation. Will take notes so they can move their hands.
• Need to know the big picture first before getting the details.
• Having the space to draw pictures, doodle, shake their leg, chew gum and fidget while you communicate helps them hear and learn more effectively.
• Use gestures when speaking and stand close when speaking or listening.
• Often they are poor spellers and will write words to determine if they "feel" right.
• Tend to drive visual learners crazy with their constant movement.
• Attack problems and express frustration physically – they’re your door slammers and fist pounders.
• This group will say, “I’ve got a feeling about what you’re saying”, “come to grips with”.

You may see yourself and others you know exhibiting all three styles. This isn’t unusual. However, we all have a strong preference for one or two. The best way to discover your learning style is to take a test. (Your highest score is your dominant style. Your second score supports your dominant style). Once you became a student of the order of your style preferences, you’ll view people and communication differently. I found I was able to understand my responses, improve my ability to learn as well as my kids’, offer more grace, save time and be more effective at leading teams.

My next bog will focus on how to improve our marriages by understanding our learning style, and our spouses style.

Practical Tips to Deal with Separation Anxiety

I've lost count of the number of times I've been greeted by blood curdling cries in the church hallways as over fatigued moms attempt to drop their babies off in the nursery.  Volunteers are eagerly waiting to shower love, care and patience on each baby so moms can catch a much needed break. They use every familiar skill in their arsenal to hush and soothe, only to discover the tears of “separation anxiety” rage on.

At about six months, babies develop representational thinking, which means they can picture objects and people in their mind. They days of “out of sight, out of mind” are gone. When a parent or familiar person “disappears” from a baby’s sight, it produces separation anxiety in them.

One way to help alleviate this is to take the time to share with parents what their child is experiencing as well as find ways to earn the trust of both parent and baby during this 'trust versus mistrust' phase. This is the first stage of Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development and it happens between birth and approximately 18 months of age. According to Erikson, trust versus mistrust is the most important timeframe in a person's life. The quality and quantity of care that babies receive during this stage from their primary caregivers influences their ability to trust others later on in life. Success during this phase leads to hope.

I firmly believe that nursery staff and volunteers are 'foundation builders', not baby sitters! They give each baby they warmly hold, cuddle, feed and change, their first glimpse of their Heavenly Father! So over-staff your nursery with baby lovers and work with each parent to ease anxiety in them and their baby. 

• Greet parents and babies warmly. Shower love on both parents and babies to ease anxiety. Greet and talk directly to each baby (even if he or she is crying) and parent as they arrive. 
• Help parents to establish a special good-bye routine. Often parents try to sneak out while their baby is being distracted. Sneaking out may save the parent from hearing their baby cry but it increases separation anxiety. They need the comfort of a familiar good-bye routine. A high-five, tickle, flying kisses, a hug or a familiar phrase are ways parents can establish a routine. Discourage prolonging them leaving, and stay calm.
• Create a story flip book for each baby. Ask parents to bring photographs of the baby, parents, siblings, pet and favorite objects. Include captions with each picture that say, “God made (name of the baby), God made mommy and daddy, God loves (name of the baby), God made (sibling names), (name of baby) loves to play with (favorite object).” Use it as a storybook. This can be a great source of comfort.
• Establish a consistent nursery routine and schedule. Fight separation anxiety through predictability. Prepare them with transitions as you move from Bible songs, to story time, to snack time and playtime.
• Allow babies to have their security object. Familiarity breeds security. You can help reduce separation anxiety by allowing them the comfort of their blanket or a stuffed animal.
• Rock, pray and sing to the babies as you hold them. Hold and talk to the baby so they learn to trust your touch and voice. It will become a source of comfort over time. 
• Ask parents to attend regularly during the separation anxiety stage.  A consistent routine affords babies to feel safe and secure in familiar surroundings. Ask the parents how long they are comfortable allowing their baby to cry before they should be notified. 

Photo by Annie Theby on Unsplash